Grief is the price we pay for love

 Grief is the price we pay for love

Came across this quote while searching about Carl Sagan, the famous astronomer. I don’t know if he said that but the idea intrigued me. Is this true? Does love give us grief? Most people associate the word love with romantic love. If we are reciprocated in our love we are happy, if not we feel depressed, wallow in self pity and sometimes even curse the person who didn’t respond to our love. 

But love is a gift that enriches our life in many ways. Love that our parents give us shapes our personalities, gives us emotional and mental strength to face the world as an adult. We all know how lack of love in childhood can affect an individual. They can be socially awkward, can’t sustain meaningful relationships and sometimes even become criminals. Even perceived lack of love can cause great distress. 

Then there is love with our siblings. They are our best friends even when we fight . They are there when we need them. That bond is very strong even though we might not talk to each other for months.  Then we have our friends. Our love for them is based on mutual trust and sometimes is more powerful than our family. If our friends betray us we feel cheated. 

So does love give us grief? It does when we lose our love, our parents and spouse passing away, our fights with siblings or our heart break. 

I think love gives us more strength than grief. It also gives us meaningful lessons. Do we really learn those lessons is up to us. If we remember grief we don’t move on. If we cherish the love in our heart we can give more love to people around us. 

What do you think? Do share 

May love enrich your life.

So be it !!!

Who am I ?

 Who am I ?

All our scriptures talk about this. Sages have tried to find the answer to this question , philosophers have discussed this and yet the question remains there, who am I ? 

Spiritual gurus explain it in one way, philosophers in another. 

But if we leave the metaphysical side of it, the question still stands. We are so many people rolled into one. Everyone of us is a daughter/son, a parent, a brother or a sister , a sister in law, a brother in law, daughter in law and so on.  Interestingly different people know us differently. Our parents have one perception of us, our siblings , our friends another, our spouses yet another. And all of them are right. Their opinion of us is based on their experience with us. 

How do we see ourselves? How many times we have tried to explore who am I ? What is my core, what is my true personality? Is it just a sum total of how others see me or is there something more in me? Do I define myself just by my relationships or do I meet myself from time to time? How many of us introspect about our weaknesses, our vulnerabilities and our insecurities which affect our behavior towards others in our life. 

I have been a pleaser for most of my life. It gave me pleasure to make others happy, it still does. But as I grew I questioned myself if I was doing it to get validation from others. The answer from within was that it was for validation when I was growing up.  But it helped me in coming to terms with my need  and moving on. If I help others now it’s not for validation but based on my emotional and physical availability. 

Who do you think you are? Do introspect , the answers will surprise you and change your perception about yourself.

So be it !!!

No legacy is as rich as honesty

No legacy is so rich as honesty 

Thus wrote the bard. Honesty is a virtue we are all taught to respect and inculcate in our personalities. Don’t steal what belongs to others, be fair in your transactions is what our parents told us when we were growing up. In business honesty was a big factor, customers trusted the company which was honest. Politicians were and are a different breed though. In personal relationships honesty played a big part. 

What about intellectual honesty? About not misleading others, being forthright in our relationships, not plagiarizing work done by others. We hear so many old tunes copied blatantly. Students copying from the internet and pasting answers as their own. Modern philosophers rehashing the ideas of Pluto or Socrates and giving them some other name. 

To me the biggest problem is intellectual honesty in marriage. How many of us actually own our mistakes and say sorry? Or do we argue and blame our partner and become the victim. All of us have done that at some point or the other in our life. Do we acknowledge our role in escalating a crisis and try to find a solution or do we justify our actions as a reaction to some wrong our significant other did? Here I am not even talking about cheating on your partner. That can be the breaking point. But what about emotional affairs? Because someone lends  their shoulder for you to cry and you fall for that person. 

To me honesty is not just about money, it’s about coming clean of the mistakes we do and sincerely apologizing.

What about you? Do share your thoughts. 

Have a safe and happy day

So be it !!! 

Life begins at the other side of despair

 “ life begins at the other side of despair “

A quote by Jean Paul Sartre. He said it more than 50 years ago and how relevant it is even today. Each one of us has had the experience of extreme despair when we lost our hope, our motivation and sometimes even will to live. It might have been financial crisis, a heart break , death of a loved one, a denied promotion or something else but felt our life has come to an end. 

Then out of nowhere we heard some one talking about turning our life around, read a poem or an article which resonated with hope, found a guru or the teeny weeny voice within us squealed and gave us the push to carry on. Isn’t it? I have been through a bad patch in my life when no one knew my despair but I was breaking inside. 

But the human spirit is indomitable and it bounces back after every setback. I am reminded of the king Nahush who being a human was promoted to be the king of heaven and was misled by devtas. They couldn’t tolerate a human to rule over them and so spoiled him with wine and women. One day he insulted the seven sages and they cursed him to become a serpent. When he was being thrown out from heaven, he said I am a human and I shall rise again and conquer. 

Only we the humans have the ability to rise like a phoenix and rebuild our life. And every crisis makes us stronger and wiser. Ayn Rand wrote ‘We The people ‘on human spirit. 

How many times you have had to face extreme pain and how did you handle it? Has it made you a stronger person? I bet it has. Do share.

Let’s celebrate the human spirit. 

So be it !!!

Are you awake?

 Are you awake?

Ofcourse you would say, I am reading your blog. True. We wake up every morning and follow our routine. That routine gives us the flow, a rhythm. What about the weekends? Again cleaning , laundry, prepping for the week ahead and socializing. 

But are we really awake? Do we notice the changes around us? Most of you would answer in affirmative. You notice the changes around us in weather, many of us post pictures of leaves change colours in fall. We talk about preparing for the coming winter and share recipes  of different types to keep ourselves warm and healthy in changing weather. 

How many of us are awake inside? How many of us notice the negativity that just creeps in when someone hurts us, makes us angry or gossips about someone we know. The stress of the job, a nagging manager in the workplace. How all that negative energy starts affecting our mental and physical health. 

Many of us resort to anti depressants, join therapy groups, try to practice mindfulness and meditation. All these things help us for a short while. Soon, however, we fall victim to the negativity again. It starts affecting our relationships . 

I found a method which is both easy and difficult in practice. Anytime a negative thought comes in your mind, acknowledge it, dwell on it for a while like an outsider and see if you can find the root cause. Sometimes our own insecurities make us look at things we normally wouldn’t. Even if that’s not the case, we feel upset, our blood pressure rises and adrenaline kicks up to balance it. But if that’s happens too often, the system fails and we have breakdowns. Don’t let that happen. First take a deep breath and bless the person who made you angry. For your own mental health. Believe me it works. A little practice is required though. Second, once you have acknowledged the negative thought, just say thank you for coming , please leave now. This is the difficult part. We get so involved in the negativity and wallow in self pity that we want to replay it in our mind. Just say NO. 

It’s not avoiding or denying the thought, rather looking at it objectively and taking appropriate action. No toxic person is important enough to disrupt your life. They need help so just bless them and throw out the negativity. It does work but it needs determination. 

Just try it for a day and share how you felt. You will be a happier person. 

So be it !!!

Are you political?

 Are you political? 

Most of you will say no probably. It is quite a trend these days to show ourselves to be non political. The reasons given are we respect all sects, religions, caste and race and we are liberal. Politics is a dirty game and all politicians are corrupt. They just think of their vote bank and try to divide people for their political gain. 

Is that really the case? Or are we scared of the trolling we are going to get if we express our political views on social media? Or we don’t want to be seen aligned with one party or ideology? Or we want to avoid conflict? But you do vote and when you do so, why do you choose a certain party and not the other? Reasons can be plenty but you do make a choice based on either the promises they make or their ideology resonates with you. 

Then why are we ashamed of acknowledging it in public? Why do we have to be politically correct? In a multicultural society like canada we all come from different countries and backgrounds and make friends with each other. We celebrate all festivals but does that take away our heritage or our legacy? Does it mean that we negate our ethos which give us the strength to make our life successful in a foreign land? 

Not at all. We are who we are because of our upbringing in our culture. Even when we come here we vote for the party which is closer to our ideology. Then why do we shy away from declaring it? Because we don’t want to hurt anyone? That doesn’t stand to logic. 

How political are you  and do you say it aloud? Do share. 

Stay safe and happy. 

So be it !!!

Shirin Yoku

 Shirin Yoku is Japanese way of taking a mindful walk in nature. The word Shirin means forest and Yoku means bathing. It’s actually a process of therapeutic exercise in spending time in forest. It took off  in 1980s to get away from the stress of city life and spend time in nature and  experience the smell, sounds and texture of trees, streams and pathways. It reduces anxiety, lowers blood pressure and boosts immunity. One takes a slow walk or just be there in nature enjoying its beauty, not just a stroll. 

Modern life brings with it work pressure, and sometimes it starts affecting not just our health but our productivity too. Shirin Yoku helps us in getting a new perspective about life. All ancient civilizations were in harmony with nature. Remember human beings started as hunter gatherers in forests? So our connection with nature is deep rooted. Have you ever been inside a forest or a large park and wondered about the vastness and variety of  sounds and smells? Even a walk on a trail near you refreshes you. I am very fortunate to have a trail at a minutes walk from my house. It has a creek and a lake and believe me there are patches where one doesn’t feel we are in a city. We go and sit near the lake and just being there calms me. It’s like meditation. 

People pay large sums of money to go to a resort near a sea to relax. For me a contemplative walk in nature is therapeutic. Sun shining through trees, the gentle melody of a stream nearby and the sounds of birds take away all the stress. One should not hurry but just be with nature and you will find it relaxes you in ways you never thought possible. Even if it’s not possible to do this everyday, weekends can be fun with relaxing in nature. Mind you that a day out on the beach with hundreds of people is not Shirin Yoku which is actually forest bathing.

So you think it’s for you? Try it. Just be there in nature a few times and see how it relaxes you. 

So be it !!!

Ikigai

 Ikigai 

Ikigai is a Japanese conceot meaning a life worth living or the reason for being. There are four elements of Ikigai, namely, what you love, what you are good at , what the world needs and what you can be paid for. This is the western outlook. Ikigai is made with two words Iki, meaning life and Gai which means worth or value. 

Japanese understanding of the term is more spiritual. It’s about appreciating the small things that bring you joy like a flower or a rainbow. It’s a way of life and a journey of life with purpose. A feeling which motivates us to get up everyday. 

According to Japanese psychologist Katsuya Inoue, Ikigai is a concept that consists of two aspects. “ sources or objects which bring value or meaning to life and a feeling that one’s life has value or meaning because of the existence of its source or object”. In other words Ikigai is basically having a reason to live, of contentment and finding fulfillment in your life. 

Japanese take this concept quite seriously. While we may be setting goals for our success in the world, we can sometimes fail to realize what actually makes us happy. What is our passion? What is our purpose?

How many of us actually think of our passion and purpose? What makes us tick? Do we take out  time to enjoy a sunny day or watch butterflies in a garden? Do we enjoy getting wet in rain? Enjoying small, everyday things as bliss is the key to find our own Ikigai. 

Have you tried it? If not, do it. 

So be it !!!

Do men need a fix?

 Do men need a fix ?

In the film My Fair Lady, actor Rex Harrison says women come in your life and they try to fix you. First they change the curtains and then they try to change you. He says that in a funny way but does the statement hold any truth?

Everyone talks about the turmoil a girl goes through once she is married. She has to adjust with the in laws, follow their traditions, be respectful, try to be one of them. If she is working, she is still expected to do household chores at least partially and also contribute financially. Plus she is criticized by the mother in law for not being perfect. Women brigades take to street anytime a woman is ill treated by in laws, laws have been created to favour the wife and everyone sympathizes with her. 

The husband on the other hand becomes the villain. He is torn between his mother and wife. A woman who has nurtured him since his birth, who has been his teacher, mentor, friend all rolled into one. He is dependent on her emotionally. Naturally she has a special place in his heart. 

Then there is his wife, his love, his partner. She enters his house with both excitement and fear. And she has her expectations of being accepted as a part of her new family and protected by her husband. In case of a conflict she expects him to support her. 

But what about the man? Isn’t he entitled to some respect and dignity? He also expects his wife to look after him and give him emotional support. In case of a conflict between two most important women in his life, he has to do a balancing act. Even if he is staying alone with his wife there are expectations from him on both sides. He also has to adjust to his new life and that takes time but does anyone give him that? He is easily accused of harassing the wife and if the matter goes to court, all laws are against him and he has to pay alimony and child support if they have children. It doesn’t matter if the wife is working. I know cases where the wife was the culprit and still walked away with half the property, child custody and support. 

Fixing the man part can be talked about later but what I want to say is that men also deserve our sympathy and their perspective has to be respected. They have their side of the story. Yes in most cases the men use their brute power but what about women harassing them ? That also happens. 

Let’s be more careful in judging men or rather not judging them every time. 

What do you think? Should we have more discussions on this topic? Please share

Stay safe and happy

So be it !!!

Are you saying no?

 Are you saying no?

What a hackneyed subject !!! Of course we have all heard about saying no to set boundaries to avoid stress. We have all read how committing ourselves to everyone can land us in more trouble than saying no to some. We have been told that we can manage our time better and achieve more if we don’t say yes to everything that is thrown at us. Also how people are going to get upset initially when you say no. 

Still I am asking this question. It is because knowing all this didn’t help me. It takes actual courage to say no, specially to your loved ones. The prerequisite is that you realize it first. We get so used to trying to please everyone that we don’t realize that there is ME also and that ME has a value. Unless we put a value to ourselves others will not. We, women fail to do that most of the time. 

We try to balance work and home otherwise we are guilt ridden. Our grandmothers stayed home so they could manage chores effectively. But with women working , it becomes difficult to meet office deadlines, meeting clients and then coming home to start all over again. Then there are family and social engagements. Yes we can do prep work on weekends and all. 

It took me a long time to say no and even now I can’t say it as often as I would like to. There is another thing I realized that being available all the time doesn’t increase our worth for others. Rather it works otherwise. Am I trying to be snobbish by asking you to say no next time your friends ask you to come over or go for an outing? Certainly not. Time spent with friends recharges our energy but boundaries have still to be established. Draw a line to which you can accommodate others. We all know someone who tries to be nice to everyone, tries to go to every party just because they can’t say no. They try hard to please everyone and end up annoying more than they realize. 

Oh but I can’t say no because I am networking. Even there it doesn’t work. It’s better to go to one party and have meaningful conversation with few people and establish real networking than flying from person to person and collecting cards. 

The choice is always ours. Whether we want to be known as someone who commits and can’t always fulfill or to commit only to few but is able to deliver what was promised. 

What will you choose? Do share.

May your choice help you.

So be it !!!

Dushehra

 

Dushehra 

Today is Dushehra, the day when lord Ram killed Ravan. Ravan had abducted lord Ram’s wife Sita and kept her as a prisoner when she refused to marry him. Lord Ram then collected an army of tribals who lived in the forest and attacked Lanka, Ravan’s abode. A fierce battle was fought and finally Ravan was killed on the fifteenth day. 

This day is celebrated as the victory of good over evil, of truth over deceit and of purity over immorality. Ravan represents the evil and Ram represents goodness and truth in us. So the fight is actually within us where we are both Ram and Ravan. 

Humans have the ability to both rise to be the noblest of creatures and to fall into an abysmal pit of avarice, jealousy and immorality. We can be the light house of spirituality and can create the hell of sins. The choice is ours. It is our choice that forms our personality and thus shapes our life. As they say what goes around comes around, so do our actions. We reap what we sow. Lord Krishna says the same thing in Bhagwat Gita. 

This has been the foundation of sanatan dharma which gives us the option of choosing between the good and the bad. There is no one watching or monitoring except our own karma. If we choose righteousness we might encounter difficulties in our path but ultimately the truth prevails, Satyamev Jayate. If we choose the easy way and compromise on principles, we end up suffering. 

The choice is both easy and simple. What would you choose? 

Let your choice be wise. 

So be it !!!